Saturday, December 3, 2011

Winter Reminiscences- Expectations of Love!

Have you ever gotten a taste of your own medicine, as they proverbially say? I mean, have you ever landed in a situation which is like this giant mirror of your life, just that you see your own role being performed by someone else? And all this in a pleasant and amusing way, not with any masochistic or depressive undertones.

It happened with me, at the beginning of the 'month of musings', as I call it. December, as insinuated by me in Flakes Of Love, is that month where besides indulging in hopeless romanticism, I also take a stock of the big and small details of the year gone by. Right from the best books I read, to the people who mattered to me- I like revisiting things that made my year special. Introspection, on the problems faced, moments lived and lessons learnt is perhaps the most important aspect of this yearly catharsis of mine, and this post is precisely about that.

Unlike the previous years, this year's cathartic recollections began on an extremely amusing note. I am known to be this extremely insecure person, who craves undue levels of attention from people she loves. When that is not becoming, situations have been known to get ugly. At times, certain unfortunate friends of mine have been caught in pugnacious encounters with me without any apparent fault of theirs, specifically when even a tiny figment of my brain assumed that they've been sharing with a third person some part of their life which I rightfully think to be my own. Though I am learning to grow up, envy and a certain degree of possessiveness towards people I love have always characterized me. The closest to me suffer the most. Anger and tears follow. Acrimony, thankfully, is kept at bay.

So what was so amusing? The fact that I got a taste of my own bitter medicine. In one of the most harrowing situations in my life, I entered into a confrontation over issues of attention and insecurity where I was on the receiving end! It would've seemed implausible at one time, but it did happen. And the person wroth with me, wroth because of hurt feelings of extreme love, was my mentor. She was the first person ever in life I looked upto, and I know I fell in love with her even before my brain acquired sanity. She is much elder to me, and as much as I wanted to see my future in the strength of her character, she liked seeing her own past in my childhood achievements.

Maturity is often confused with passivity of emotions. May be that's why I was dumb initially when I saw that unmistakable hurt in her eyes caused by my callousness in loving her enough. I was in disbelief and denial. Here is how I defended myself in my thoughts- How could she feel hurt? How could she doubt me? She should know that even though I don't lurk around, I always hold her dear, shouldn't she?

Well, no! She is not obligated to assume that I love her, if I do not care to show her enough the love and concern I hold in my heart. Her getting hurt is not her fault, it is mine. The disbelief and surprise was soon replaced by delight, translating into a smile on my lips. I felt really good in my heart. Firstly, because of the realization that I mattered so much to someone, and secondly because I kind of felt at home. When I threw similar tantrums in front of others, I was assumed to be immature. So, I vowed to 'grow up', implying that I vowed to close myself to such extremities of emotions. No more! I smiled because her one outburst assured me that I wasn't some abnormal being always sulking for attention. Her words were my words, used many a times before. My problem is that I verbalize my thoughts too easily and too often, and ride an emotional high throughout my existence. It is the reaction I get which makes me doubt the very person I am.

I narrated this incident to a friend late at night, with palpable alacrity in my heart. It was a weird state state of excitement. I ended my narrative with these words- "and there I stood, smiling, but with absolutely no idea what to do now!". His query- "So, what will you do now? In fact, is there anything at all that you can do?". Poor chap, his query was obvious. He has been the victim of my outbursts way too often, and this is what I had to say to him- "I will now do everything for her, which I expected others to do when I put them in the same spot. No matter how hard I try, I cannot erase the bad memory, the hurt-that is how it works with hyper emotional beings like myself. But what I can do is to lurk around, and create enough happy memories to make that bad one inconsequential. She matters to me enough to put in that effort, and it is just that I need to let her know."

Lost somewhere within the pages of my journal was a five point mantra I devised for myself long back- more like compiled from various sources. This incident, fortunately, compelled me to find it once again. These five points were put together by me in not some gloomy-reflective condition, but in a state of perfect bliss, when I wanted to pamper my self, and feel proud of the person I am, but with responsibility. Time is good to share it on my blog. This constitutes my treasured lesson from the year 2011. They are not some divine secrets which promise a glorious existence- but five simple lines which if understood simply do have the potential of helping screwed up situations get a little better.

1. Stop lying to yourself. Harms no one but you.
2. Ask for help. Give your near ones the right to interfere while they still can.
3. Do not rationalize, i.e., do not make excuses for yourself. There cannot be a good enough reason for failing to do what you did not.
4. Count your blessings. List your motivations and rewards. Naive, but  has the awesome potential to make you feel great.
5. No matter how hard you try, you cannot change the person you are. When it comes to that, let go; with an understanding that holding on and letting go are divided by a invisibly thin line based on personal discernment

I think the best note to end this post on would be a painting by my favorite, Leonid Afremov, titled

Expectations of Love!


  1. My dear's hard to believe so hard, coz I too went through something EXACTLY like this, hurting a bestie of mine coz she got so insecure and soo soo damn possessive of me. I still remember her crying on the phone even as I threw my anger at her for nothing but the love she had to offer at me. And sigh....I too am possessive abt my girlfrnds hurts to see close ones find new ones, only to mk us fee left out...
    "My problem is that I verbalize my thoughts too easily and too often, and ride an emotional high throughout my existence"...hifive on this one too...but at the same time Saumya I find myself somehow suppressing my deepest emotions of love and the need to be loved and cared for as well..You know that feeling when words come easily on paper, so swiftly, but they dare not come on lips, and even as they come on paper, u wonder if that paper shud be given to ur frnd to let him/ her know what u mean to them....Sigh...yes it's difficult changing ourselves. And I applaud u for being so transparent and reflective. I have been writing my journal too. the same things repeat themselves over time...but I wonder if I have in the real sense of the word 'reflected' on them...I wonder....guess this December I should do that...
    Lots of love...
    And a very touching post.

  2. Sharing ur post with my bestie....u made me senti...:P

  3. super liked this one :)

    and thank u so much for introducing me to that wonderful painting. after i finished reading ur post i was staring at it for 5 minutes before i came back to my senses and started typing this comment.

  4. five years down the line..this post will be part of a best-selling autobiography of a very successful and distinguished IAS officer...cheers to that day..:-)

  5. @Aakriti
    This meant so much, that I lack a proper way of thanking you. It feels good as a writer when you are able to ring a familiar bell in the hearts of your readers. And you have been especially kind. Can never thank you enough for the post of appreciation you wrote for me on your blog. Its the first time someone did that for me, and honestly, I did not know how to react. My first achievement on blogosphere, as you call it, I guess. Keep reading, you boost my confidence no end.

    And also, i really really hope your bestie liked it. My own friends need blackmails to read stuff I write keeping them in mind; hope your life is not as sad as mine :P

    Love you!

  6. @Kalpak
    Welcome to Nascent Emissions! Its the first time you are leaving me a review; thanks a lot for that. I am glad you liked it. And as for the painting, Leonid Afremov is one of the most prolific painters I know. Google his paintings, you are definitely gonna be in for a treat!

  7. @Rahul
    For all the loveliness you sprinkle my blog with, heartfelt 'Thank you'! As for your words, in total self interest, my only response is "AMEN"!

  8. Hey Saumya,....for people who do mean to me I always find ways to thank them, and yes u were one of them too...Also...I do look forward to both of us meeting soon and having nice chats in our fav place;)...Also at another level, I feel that we do share a lot in common, coz it reflects i our writings and I guess that's where we find that connect...I did share with u what my bestie said..chk ur FB inbox:)...she was thankful to u and to me to having dedicated this post to her:) Life is sad when we look for sadness and happy when we look for smiles...either's ours to live and to choose:)tkcr. Happy December:)

  9. Hey!
    I see your name on my blog, and I know I am in for many smiles to brighten my heart. I am loving all this love around me. Blogging, at present is the only source of positivity in my life. And you help me so much. Thank you Aakriti! A writer's meet is definitely on!

  10. A lovely post there! "Maturity is often confused with passivity of emotions" - very well put. I'm glad you touched this behaviour of human emotions.

    I'm sure almost everyone has experienced such a feeling at least once in his/her life, just like I did. A perplexity stays, what if the love you try and give back (that is after you've realized) is either not enough or it's too late?

  11. Hey Saurabh,
    You post comments after taking my permission, and that is something you must stop doing. I look forward to your thoughts and opinions on each endeavour of mine, not necessarily related to writing.

    As for your query, the answer to it is contingent upon the 2 people involved and the extent to which the situation has been dragged. Hurts are always hard to get over, and who better than you to understand that. Forgiveness and perseverance and trust- all play their part here, more than love does. For love is there to stay, no matter what the situation, isn't it?
    Thanks buddy! For letting me know your thoughts.

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  14. :) Thanks! I'd surely love to add my thoughts on any of your endeavours. However, I'm not sure if you'd appreciate them.

    As per the lesson, I'll keep that in mind. So, one might end up conveying one's love if perseverance, forgiveness and trust are in his favour. Surely you should write about these feelings too sometime.

  15. Well, I have a 'right to react' on your insights. But that should not act as a deterrent to your honest expression about things I indulge in. If I don't take you positively, that's my problem.

    And I gave you no standardized lessons, just shared a thought. You should do things your way, they will turn out to be the best. I might write, but only after a lengthy discussion with you, may be a co-authored post. What say? Lets see if that happens!

  16. I am surely game for it! Though I'm weary of polluting your blog with my thoughts. Make sure you edit it properly :P

  17. He he :)
    I will ji. But you don't shy away from letting me know things, ever.