Sunday, February 14, 2010
You Matter To Me...And You Matter A Lot...
I had been browsing through random images on google, when i stumbled upon this one. I dunno what is it in this pic that made me stop, and keep looking at it. It was just a matter of seconds before I realized that my eyes are moist. Guess I have been a bit senti for the past two days; this pic was a mere vent....
When I started this blog, i had started it, may be because i wanted to opulently display my writing skills....today I realize- I suck at writing! I don't say this because i am this overtly, irritatingly modest female, who is looking to devour more compliments by degrading her own self. NO! I have been through a number of blogs, written by my friends, who seriously intimidate me by the way they write- what they write, and how they write. I am nowhere close to justifying the tag 'blogger' which many of my friends have enforced on me.
Also, this blog was started with a different idea behind it. What it was, i don't exactly remember. However, today, i feel this blog is my platform for writing things, that most touch my heart, the moment i experience them (the 'perception' of my blog in my own mind is due to change a million more times before i die). In fact, what most touches my heart are people around me. Any, and everything they do, or say, makes me what i am at that moment.
This picture for me is what determines the ideal relationship between two friends- silhouetted against an overcast sky, sit two friends, laughing and enjoying the moment. For them, the fact that an imminent downpour is on its way is no cause of worry. In fact, they revel in planning an adventure against what could potentially be a torrential rain. This is exactly how i view my relationship with my friends. Happens, and happens again that my life is overcast, and an ominous grey sky portends a devastating storm. It is then that i visualize me and my friends, sitting down, and devising plans to counter the storm better. We don't confuse each other with hollow claims about the storm being avoidable, or the sky clearing in a matter of seconds. We know it by the decree of Providence- there are such troubles in life which are inevitable, they key lies in standing up bravely to them. And, of course, emerging as a stronger and better person when the worst is over.
Blessed am I, for i can claim i have such friends by my side, who help to accept my realities with a grace which i would otherwise not have managed for my self.
This picture...hmm....how do i express why it makes me cry. It makes me cry because it makes me aware of the presence of this really special friend in my life, who for the time being, has averted her gaze from my face. I know its temporary. I know she'll be back with the same smile, which quite literally is the sunshine in my life. At times i am made sad with the thought that i can never uniquely own her, because of the ultimate heart-throb of a million that she is, but then i console myself with the thought that none, not even her, can stop me from basking in the brightness that she spreads around herself. Its kind of silly, and kind of weird, and i am well aware of it. Still, i have no clue how to battle myself in moments like this, when i am virtually left alone, because the relationship between us is such that i can't approach anyone else to console me. I know, at times i am a horrible friend, but i am also aware of times when i am selflessly there for my friends- a thing on which i pride myself.
I know not in what words, or what gestures i explain the value she holds in my life. I know that even without saying, she knows exactly what is there on my mind, and in my heart. Yet, I can't blame her for giving me these few moments of pain. I love her irrevocably, and she is one of the four people around me, whom I consider my bulwark. Her absence leaves not just a crevice or a crack in that wall; it creates a void. A void which I have no idea how to fill.
Am sorry, i know not for what. Ridden with anxiety, am not good for anything. I dunno whom to talk to, so i resorted to this medium. I dunno when will she see it, but i hope she comes back soon enough. It's not a situation so grave as i have made it sound. In fact, people might murder me for my silliness, for the way i am taking the whole incident on my heart. But oblivion has never been a place where i could find my foothold, and as of now, i am totally unaware of what is happening.
I guess I am a hopeless case of dementia, and i know far too many people will agree to this.
I know you didn't want me to cry...but do you really think i can help it?