Sunday, August 21, 2011

Partial Victor

Neendon ke sandookon mein, 
Kabhi sone ke sapne the, 
Aaj Peetal ke tukdon ko mohtaaj rehti hoon

"Its been long since I felt like a winner. Tomorrow, I want that to change."

There is a song for every occasion, they say. This less known song was on my lips most of the time as I attempted to stoically wait for what could turn out to be the biggest dejection for me in my recent life history. Had that happened, I would have had no option but to turn stoic. I would have been impassive, may be. If I don't fool myself at all, I know I would have been depressed. For sometime at least.

The rays, they did manage to find me :)
However, for once, Providence ruled in my favour. After showing me some despondent scenarios, it chose the most perfect time to resuscitate my confidence, to at least partially make me feel like a winner. The ecstasy for having cleared the first major level towards the realization of one of my two most important dreams in life is indescribable. It lasted for two full days- the excitement, the restlessness, the smiles, the congratulations, the revived expectations, the disbelief. Now, things have sobered down. For good.

The last bit of my twitter profile's mini bio data describes me as 'an aspiring bureaucrat'. I've crossed first of the three hurdles towards becoming one. People have seen me past two years digging into newspapers, coloring crazy bits of information in about five journals a week, starting a full fledged debate at the slightest of provocation on almost any issue, carrying three times the book load with me around everywhere I go, and almost leading the life of a noctambulist. All this, without compromising on any of my other interests or involvements. Fortunately for me, all the diligence reaped due dividends. And now, with a bright smile on my face, and bright expectations in my heart, I am looking forward to battling with the next hurdle.

However, everyone has not been as lucky as me. Becoming a Civil Servant is the ultimate dream of many people, it being touted as the best job which grants you almost everything- power, prestige and pay. But for some people, becoming a Civil Servant has meaning beyond these three. Clearing UPSC is all they have lived for, all they know they want to live for. The drive at times is so much, that they leave a lot behind- their families, academic pursuits and even well placed and stable jobs. From my perspective, its madness. From theirs', its devotion. There are many of my fellow 'aspiring bureaucrats' who have not been able to jump over this first hurdle; but there is just one, whose inability to clear through the first round hurts me as much as my own failure. She was an inspiration for all of the people in my coaching centre- a vivacious figure and a very eager learner- who would keep everyone engaged with her numerous doubts. Her urge and capacity to learn was unmatchable. And she had taken a break from a partially unsuccessful marriage to give life to the only dream she had ever known of. 

I wonder what plans God has for her in mind; hasn't she already suffered her share of ordeals? Did she not deserve this little victory more than me? Will He make her try once again? I don't know. I would never know. But I know he sent her into my life as a lesson. Dreaming is not an end in itself. A dream which once you are convinced about, has to be relentlessly pursued. On the way to winning the ultimate war, there are several smaller battles which need to be won. And my way is to go one battle at a time. That is only as much as I can plan, albeit, without losing sight of the ultimate Prize. Also, what has to be borne in one's mind is a sense of balance- neither excessive ecstasy at small triumphs, nor insurmountable depression at failures. Triumphs and failures are mere experiences, something to live through and learn from. 

A tiny battle has been won. More than being an end, it was a milestone which shows me how much of the path is still to be covered. I might be feeling bright, but I do not want to lose the sobriety. For some weird reason, totally incomprehensible to me, I am still humming this song..and this is definitely not the song for this occasion. It is just on my lips. And I guess its there to remind of the times things went wrong, and I could not cope up. In an attempt to cauterize, I ended up being burnt, and bruised, and lost faith in some of my dreams.

But, leaving those thoughts behind, getting down to task now. I have thanked in person every single friend/teacher/acquaintance who helped me through- whether by sharing notes, or by simply showing confidence. If anyone be left out, I am sorry for being careless. Thank you. It is one of the most significant events of my life, and irrespective of what happens in future, I won't forget the ecstasy I felt when I finally felt like a winner. Partially though.

"A dream of glory
Wishing to hope
Nervous to hope
Nonetheless, I hope.
I'll wade through, I'll cope."

(Plagiarized  from my own work- A Table For Two - copied and tampered with)

Wondering, with a merry heart.


  1. fact Saumya. I was thinking of talking to you as I wanted to start a magazine for my collg, and though it seems like a daunting task. I really wish that I leave my Masters with something to give to my collg. Kudos to u!!:) Good going! and ur post tells me how important it is for us to stay grounded no matter whichever heights we reach!
    All the best!:)
    talk to u soon

  2. You can talk to me anytime :) I would always be glad to help. And your posts, each of them, has something to touch my heart, something to make me grow fonder of the life we live and something to make me smile. Happy Writing! Do let me know if any input is required.
    And yes, thank you so much for commenting.....!

  3. Di,Yoa are too good!

  4. Dear Di,
    Since a long time I've been dodging you, your posts, your blog. Irrespective of my love for you. This post, gave me a hope actually, in every sense. And about the depression thing, I feel way better now. Things happen, they go, leave an impact on you. But, indeed you are the only one who has the capacity to take it in whichever sense. True, life gives you opportunities, another truth, you have the potential to chose which way to go and how. I don't know what am blabbering, but this is the thing flowing inside me. Following with the past four months, I thought you were busy so I couldn't poke you, which again is my mistake. Never the less, your posts have always boosted me in some or the other sense.
    Coming on to your words here, I love the way you described both the failures and wins, all the depressions and ecstatic(s).
    Gives me hope... To dream more.
    Love you.. as ever... which enhances always.. never falls down.
    Eager to see you as a bureaucrat. :)
    (man! not only I write long posts, I indeed write long comments too)

  5. Dear Aavika
    I knew something was amiss, and I purposely kept away from advising or counseling you this time. You know me enough now to understand why I would have done that.
    I do hold you dear Aavika, and I value all the comments you leave even on the most undeserving of blog posts.
    As for the personal stuff, we shall talk on phone really soon.

  6. Dear Anonymous,
    Thank you for the comment. I would have enjoyed the comment more had I known whom am I directing the comment to. If you read this, let me know who you are.

  7. I just came across your blog and reading your beautiful words. I thought I would leave my first comment but I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading.