Monday, June 13, 2011

Fearful, Hopeful

There is only an extent till which you can fight, I often quote. Thereafter, even you are a staunch disbeliever in destiny, you cannot do much, but wait and watch as it plays its cards. I fought to the best of my abilities, and my fight ended yesterday. Good or bad, I can no longer influence the results. Regrets? They always remain. You always feel you could have done something more, something better once things are beyond your control. There remains some regret after every exam for not having studied that one extra hour actually spent watching tv, or talking on phone, or simply gazing into nothingness. I have no such regrets, except may be an abstract pain somewhere inside my heart which says that something more could have been done to ensure victory. What more? I have not the minutest of clues.

So, basically, I'm confused. Obfuscated, as I like to fancifully call my state. I am putting up a brave face, trying to chill, but in reality, I have never been this scared in life. Honestly, I have never felt so much is at stake. Yesterday's performance was based on two years of practice and preparation. The result will determine if I can progress to the next level or will have to repeat whatever I did in past two years. Till then, confusion and fear reign supreme.

And, what does not help me at all in this scenario is a basic lack of ability to pray. I don't know how to. I never have. I wish I did, for when there was nothing concrete I could do, may be I could while away time, praying. "It was fear which first created Gods in the world".I am fearful, but I can't locate an object to pray to. Blessed am I, that there have been so many who've put faith in me, who are praying for me, and who, rather selfishly, I am asking to pray for myself. I just hope I stand to justify all the love and astonishing support I have gotten in the past two years. I hope there does eventually come this day when I can rush to all my friends and sport the brightest of smiles which conveys just everything to them. If you're reading this, and have in any measure liked or loved me ever, spare a second or two of your praying time for me. As I said, I can't. And, for the first time not being able to is making me feel crippled.

Hoping the light spreads faster


  1. May God give you that is best for you....which is meant for you and where you are satisfied and content. Amen

  2. I have always prayed for your goodness, and so will I again.
    Things will fall in place soon, don't lose the grip.
    Regrets make it worse, I think. So, forget the regrets.
    LoVe you!

  3. Dearest Di...whatever life holds for you will eventually play just need to keep the faith. Noone knows what tomorrow holds,but we can be content with our present.

  4. Di... u were, are and shall remain the best for me... forever... one of the best seniors i have had....
    May God bless u with all u deserve... for i am sure u deserve to be happy.. to be able to flash that brilliant smile of yours... which does say so much..
    :) :)
    All the very Best !! Love u :)

  5. @Vrinda- Thank you. And many congratulations to you for your selection to LSE. Your triumph makes me believe that well intentioned and channelized dedication does lead to fulfillment of dreams.

  6. @Aavika- Thank you so much. Your love is always valued, even if I don't say it often. Wanting to meet you really soon.

  7. @Nikita- Thanks baby. You really light up my day, guess I should adopt you really soon :P
    I hope and pray the best in life for you. Me and my little sister will both do very well in life, am sure. Love.

  8. @Sushruti- I really don't know what have I done to receive this much of adulation from you, I mean, we hardly spent time together. Needlessly said, it all makes me feel blessed, and special. Thanks a lot :)

  9. I know. :) Words aren't necessary always :)

  10. Thanks bachche. You're making it to my home really really soon

  11. :)
    i've never judged anyone on how they've been to me... or the time they've spent with me....
    i see people for what they are.. and how they are... and how very nice they are to the ones they really know.... its like observing from the outside whether someone is essentially good or not... :) good to me or to anyone else... doesn't make a difference...

  12. Flattered, totally. Thanks a hell lot :)